The crowds settle down as the music starts to play…

Walking into the Arena

The [Public] arena leaves one no alternative, one must either be a dunce or a rogue

— Emma Goldman

He was tossing and turning again. He had been this way for a couple of days and I could sense that it was his conscience brewing. This wasn’t the first time he had given me news that tore my world apart with one of his secrets. He repositioned again, this time more frustrated than the last and I could feel the intense hot and cold of fear and pain and anger coursing through me. I love him. I would do anything for him but he won’t ever let me in…

“Hey… I don’t know what’s going on with you but I want you to know that I love you. I don’t care what it is”, my voice started to crack as I fought to hold back tears, “I just want you to know that I can’t help if you don’t tell me.”

Silence for a few moments. I felt my body pulsing and my head dizzying. The tears were trying to break through but I wasn’t going to let it happen. I knew what he was going say. I knew it was ‘her’ again, the girl that for whatever reason he can’t seem to let go of even though she ruins his life and tortures him with her indifference. he flips over violently and faces me in a panic,

“Are you sure that you’ll love me no matter what?”

Here is comes… He’s still seeing her…

“Yes”

He grabs his face and looks almost sick,

“I’m trans”

…… “What?”

Relief, confusion, fear, grogginess from the lack of sleep the past few days. He fills the silence with an explanation,

“I like to wear women’s clothing and I dress up like a girl.”

….. “Ok, Did you want to do that now?”

“…..yea… I guess?”

“Ok, did you have something in mind?”

“The sparkle dress you wore for New Years”

We tried on clothes for hours and talked about what it meant to be trans. This is how our journey into living our truths in the Public Arena of stereotypes, LGBTQ ignorance, our own expectations, fears, beliefs, and ultimately ourselves.

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