Unfucking Myself

During the dark time when Brooke and I were broken up, I was unemployed, attending therapy a few times a week, and suffering from intense depression I found myself at the bookstore again…

I was again with my kids just looking around while they decided what to spend their chore money on and I saw the word “fuck” in big letters. Of course it caught my eye… so I picked up the book and read a little bit about it. I figured if Brene Brown could get me to change my inner thoughts, then why not take a risk on this guy, Gary Bishop.

I started reading this book and just like how I did for Brene’s books, I picked apart and analyzed myself trying to apply the concepts he was so brutally communicating. While Brene held my hand and told me it was going to be ok, Gary bitch-slapped me with the truth about the shit I was doing to sabotage myself and told me to stop being stupid. I felt right at home!

Gary’s methods may be cringe-worthy for some, but he spoke to me in a way that I could understand. Direct. Straight to the jugular. No mercy. I loved it. I would carry this book with me everywhere and whenever I would start to have a panic attack or a “sobbing-attack” I would bust out this book and try to read through my tears and shaking hands to remind myself that I am sabotaging myself with my own inner voice.

Gary has a second book that I also read that dives further into what are called your “conclusions”. He names 3 of them that affect your perceptions of the world:

Conclusion about Yourself

Conclusion about Other People

Conclusion about Life

As I pondered what my conclusions were on these topics, I would talk to Gloria and found that I was definitely not an optimist person about myself. My conclusions were:

Personal (Self)Other PeopleLife
I am worthless
I am broken
People are cruel
People don’t care
Life is unfair
Life is hard

These conclusions are the lens I used through which I filtered the world and every single one of my interactions with my environment, including the ones that took place within myself and my subconscious. This meant that I had to completely change my entire perception about life, unlearn as much as I could about the world and everything in it to “stop doing that shit”.

I had to learn to interact with people from a place of worthiness and unbrokenness. I had to learn how to see the interactions with people from a different lens – like they aren’t cruel or like they do care. Lastly, I had to find a way to perceive life as a whole as “fair” and “not-hard”. I have not completely mastered this and I work on it everyday. This is one the most exhausting endeavors I have ever decided to take on.

My Inner-Bitch Bully

My inner voice was the meanest bitch in the world. I came to realize in picking myself apart YET AGAIN that I was my own worst enemy. I may have been a bully to others, but I was an even bigger bully to myself. I hope that makes my past victims feel a little better…

Me and my Inner Bitch

I was causing a lot of my own issues in my head with overthinking. On the outside, I told everyone I didn’t give a fuck about them or their thoughts, but my inner-bitch did. She cared a lot. A lot more than I was ever willing to admit. And when she didn’t feel that they liked me, my inner-bitch would tear me apart in some of the cruelest ways. I was indeed, my very own bully. It was a realization that I never expected and I am still trying to actively redirect my internal thoughts to become more present – and a lot nicer to myself.

As my good friend Chris once told me when I was telling him how shitty I was:

“Hey!! Stop being mean to my friend”

– Chris Denhoff, AKA MC Tech

And this has been my mantra since. I need to be nice to his friend, and be my own friend as much as I am his and he is mine.

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